Four Loko = Freedom

THIS WAR OF AGGRESSION AGAINST FOUR LOKO WILL NOT BE MET WITH SILENCE. A HOUSE DIVIDED SHALL NOT STAND.
Join The Free Loko Movement on Facebook or Twitter at @freeLOKOdotcom

Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving

Write to the President

We need the Obama Administration to change its Four Loko Policy like right now. The only thing keeping Joe Biden from Plotting another 911 and redistributing America’s money to the Chinese is WHOLESALE DISSENT through the form of LETTER WRITING.

We wrote a letter that you can put your name on and send directly to President Obama. Just fill in the blanks and you’re done. And I got his address from the White House’s website so you can send it like right to his desk.

The President
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

If you’re really angry, consider rewriting the letter in ALL CAPS before you send it.

Hi President Obama,

It’s me, [INSERT FULL NAME]. It’s good to hear you are doing well, according to CNN. Fox News says you’re having a bad day, so I don’t know who to trust. I’m going to stay positive in these tough times though and assume you’re having a good day. Write back if this is incorrect.

I am writing to you because America is having a bad day. On November 17th, 2010, the Food and Drug Administration declared Four Loko “unsafe” due to the presence of caffeine and additives like taurine and guarana. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], find these additives allow me to get intoxicated enough to mingle without the pressures of sobriety, but keep me good enough to drive home afterwards (as long as there isn’t too much traffic).

After my fervent support of your Health Care reform policy, and after voting for you  several times in the last Presidential election, I find myself betrayed by your Four Loko policy. Have you tried it? It gets you drunk but keeps you alert at the same time, so you can do stuff with laser-like accuracy, like text all my ex-girlfriends without considering the consequences. It’s like liquid crack.

But unlike crack, Four Loko isn’t ruining our urban environments. If anything, Four Loko is making our urban environments better. Just like how America has Blacks, Whites, Asians, Indians, the other kind of Indians, Mexicans, Cubans (who, even though they look White, aren’t really White) and Puerto Ricans, Four Loko is also diverse, boasting a melting pot of flavors: Grape, Orange, Watermelon, Fruit Punch, Blue Raspberry, Lemon Lime, Lemonade and Cranberry Lemonade.

It’s probably like a metaphor about how all Americans are different but they’re still created equal (Thomas Jefferson, Declaration of Independence, National Archives, 1776). Loko is even a Mexican word, so repealing the prohibition on Four Loko will help US diplomatic relations like how ending Prohibition helped us win Pearl Harbor.

For all of the above reasons the Federal government should write Four Loko into the Laws of Congress and the State Regulations of Administration Departments. If you still aren’t convinced, it’s probably just because you haven’t tried the Cranberry Lemonade flavor yet. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], can buy you a can if you want. It’s the best flavor.

America has always been Cranberry Lemonade for 200+ years. Without Four Loko, we risk downgrading our great nation to the newly sanitized Sparks. Or worse: Night Train.

Lovingly Yours,

[INSERT FULL NAME]

Washington Correspondent

FreeLoko.com

Remember, the most important part is to fill in YOUR OWN NAME. Here is the Word Document so you can insert your name before you send it in. If you want to make it really official you can add a little Presidential seal to it like this

Try to spot all of the hidden symbols of the Illuminati

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under Four Loko, Obama Administration is Wack, Useful Stuff. Leave a comment: permalink.

By Any Flavor Necessary

Malcom X contemplates purchasing Lemonade Four Loko or Cranberry-Lemonade Four Loko
Malcom X contemplates purchasing either Lemonade Four Loko or Cranberry-Lemonade Four Loko during his trip to Mecca

In recent weeks, a handful of Four Loko-related hospitalizations have occurred across the country, prompting the states of Michigan, Oklahoma, Utah, Washington and New York to ban sales of the drink.

Now that New York has fallen to Four Loko prohibition, there will be fighting in the streets to salvage the remaining cans. The best case scenario I can envision is a full-blown RACE WAR by tomorrow evening.

For those still alive, don’t be bitter. Instead, be vengeful. Defeat the FDA’S PSYCHIC SPIES who are brain controlling our senators.

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under Four Loko, Race War Probable. Leave a comment: permalink.

When Push Comes to Chug

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Crack Open Your Beers.

The fine people at FreeLoko have had enough. The founding member of this movement, Angela Davis, has urged you to take a the pacifist approach and write a letter to the President. I have several problems with this: (1) I never learned how to use a Word Processor, and (2) I know the Obama Administration will casually forget to reimburse me for the money I spend on postage to send my letter (just like “President” Obama forgot his birth certificate in 2008).

Writing letters and emails will only clog Presidential paper shredders and cause our legislators’ unpaid interns’ fingers to cramp up clicking the Delete button. What then to do? How do we show them we mean business?

Rather than firing off an email, fire a few rounds into your nearest City Hall.

I, Abraham Drinkin’, promise to get all of you out of any legal trouble, should you be stupid enough to forget to flush your guns down a storm drain. Once I finish my paralegal certification correspondence course (which will happen as soon as I [1] learn how to use a Word Processor and [2] save enough money to pay for postage), I will get you out of jail for a nominal fee.

So crack a can of Loko, chamber a round, and light up Washington with your discontent. Tell ’em Abraham Drinkin’ sent you. But don’t tell anybody that who might be able to get me in trouble. I’m on parole, and I really don’t want any problems.

Posted by Abraham Drinkin', filed under FDA is Racist, Four Loko, Obama Administration is Wack. Leave a comment: permalink.

The Intoxication Proclamation

Here, we have a friend of liberty, guest poster Abraham Drinkin’

FourScore and Seven Seven and Sevens Ago, I was informed that the cruelty of evil men was overrunning the freedoms our forefathers fought so valiantly to deny. The FDA, which they claim stands for the Food and Drug Administration, but most likely ACTUALLY means Fraternity of (non)Drinking Assholes, have deemed it necessary to strip the common man of HIS right to poison himself in any way he sees fit.

I emphasize the He, because the fairer sex usually opts out of riding the Four Train, in favor of wine coolers or vodka cranberry. Were these flavors integrated into the FourLoko pantheon, perhaps equality could have been achieved in our society? Do you know that, even today, a woman’s drink still contains 7/10ths the alcohol-by-volume of a man’s? I ask you- is that justice?

Friends, I find it rather insulting in an age that we can allow two men to marry, a man still does not have the right to drink a vaguely grape-flavored beverage that will not allow him to drive a vehicle. And if he does, he’s treated like some sort of irresponsible criminal!

I promise you here and now, as we stand with our necks firmly under the boot of President Barack Obummer, that this ruthless aggression will not stand! I urge you, my drunken Americans, to take umbrage to this fact. As several of the discredited journalists on this site have mentioned, a race war is inevitable, but it could have easily been avoided if we had real democracy.

Where was my choice on that ballot I didn’t fill out because I was too lazy to vote? We are given to the “choice” to elect terrorists like Jerry Brown or Bristol Palin to the next round of Dancing With The Stars, but we’re not free to decide which drinks will give us splitting headaches? I don’t know about you, but the FDA is not my mother — she would be way cooler about this but that’s mostly because she wouldn’t know, since I drink in my room after she falls asleep.

Elliot Ness would be rolling in his grave, if he were dead.

Posted by Abraham Drinkin', filed under Prohibition, Race War Probable, Unconstitutional. Leave a comment: permalink.

A Poem to Inspire the Free Loko Movement

FIRST THEY CAME 4 SPARKS,

AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD FOUR LOKO.

THEN THEY CAME 4 FOUR LOKO,

AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD RED BULL.

THEN THEY CAME 4 RED BULL,

AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD COFFEE.

THEN THEY CAME 4 COFFEE,

AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD COKE.

THEN THEY CAME 4 COKE.

AND THEN I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD 8 HOURS OF SLEEP.

THEN THEY CAME 4 ME.

Posted by Four Loko Che Guevara, filed under Activist Art, Four Loko. Leave a comment: permalink.

Four Loko Linked to AIDS? Contest

Good Samaritan handing out refreshing Four Loko right before he was carted away by the Secret Police for reprogramming
Good Samaritan handing out refreshing Four Loko right before he was carted away by the Secret Police for reprogramming

The FDA has concluded that Four Loko is “unsafe” for human consumption. “Acting early to protect public health is critical and a vital component of the Obama administration’s [public health efforts],” – FDA

I’m sponsoring a contest. The first person who can link Four Loko to Ebola, Breast Cancer, AIDS, Sleeping Sickness, or the Benjamin Button disease gets A BILLION DOLLARS .

And you know what… you’ll never get not one Krugerrand or Gold Doubloon from me. Because Four Loko doesn’t cause any disease except PARTYING.

Four Loko is as healthy as two Power Bars and like a whole stalk of broccoli.

What else is the FDA gonna tell us is unhealthy? Learning about the REAL TRUTH?

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under AIDS, Four Loko, Obama Administration is Wack, Real Truth. Leave a comment: permalink.

God Is Dead

Illumnati spies banning Four Loko
Illumnati spies banning Four Loko

The manufacturer of popular caffeinated alcohol drink Four Loko said Tuesday it will remove the caffeine from its products, pulling the blend off the market just as the Food and Drug Administration is poised to ban it.

Taking the caffeine out of Four Loko is like taking FREEDOM out of the BILL OF RIGHTS. This is just another chance for George Bush’s Secret Police to police my body. You can take the caffeine out of Four Loko but you can never take the willingness to get blackout drunk away from high schoolers.

That’s the REAL TRUTH that the liberal media is too afraid to tell you. Don’t waste your life watching DANCING WITH THE STARS when there’s real truth going on everywhere. What side are you gonna be on in the BATTLE FOR FOUR LOKO?

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under Four Loko, Prohibition, Real Truth. Leave a comment: permalink.

The FDA Is Racist

It’s not clear why the FDA singled out only four companies whose drinks include Core High Gravity HG, Moonshot, Joose and Max.

The FDA is afraid of high gravity malt liquor because it’s endorsed by African American celebrities like ICE CUBE and the WU TANG CLAN. Next time your congressman tells you he supports banning Four Loko, ask him if he also supports SLAVERY and JIM CROW LAWS

FDA? More like KKK.

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under FDA is Racist, Four Loko. Leave a comment: permalink.

Four Loko Vigil

Four Loko Party
A small crowd slowly gathered in Union Square yesterday evening. They lit candles, drank out of paper bags, and traded stories about “crazy partying” and “blacking out.” A woman passed out postcards offering download codes for free songs from the Scott Pilgrim Vs the World soundtrack. It wasn’t your typical crowd of skate punks and chess playing hobos.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS SAYS:
Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech or the right of the people peaceably to assemble OR TO DRINK GRAPE FLAVORED HIGH GRAVITY ALCOHOL

THAT’S A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON HIMSELF. DONT BE STUPID

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under Four Loko, Prohibition, Unconstitutional. Leave a comment: permalink.

MADD – Mothers Against Drunk Driving??

More like Mothers Against Delicious Drinks

MADD Mothers Against Drunk Driving Twitter

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS OR LOSE THEM

FOUR LOKO = FREEDOM

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under Four Loko. Leave a comment: permalink.

Remember the Date

On November 17th, The U.S. Food and Drug Administration told the manufacturers of seven caffeinated alcoholic beverages Wednesday that their drinks are a “public health concern” and can’t stay on the market in their current form.

The move follows a year-long review by the FDA, which gave the companies 15 days to either reformulate their products or face possible seizure under federal law http://bit.ly/cP1wr2

The FDA is a menace that needs to be stopped. THE FDA SPREAD AIDS TO THE INNER CITY. I wrote a book report about it.

What government organization do you think gave Smallpox Blankets to the Native Americans like all the time back in the day? The Tennessee Valley Authority? Nah man, know your history.

Posted by Angela Davis, filed under Four Loko, Prohibition. Leave a comment: permalink.


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