Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving
For the sake of being fair and balanced, we’re posting this guest editorial that isn’t 100% committed to the cause of BRINGING DOWN THE SYSTEM via Four Loko.
To the editors at http://www.freeloko.com,
My name is Anne Dush (pronounced like “Bush” only with a “D” instead of a “B” where
the “B” is in “Bush”). I am 47 years old and live in Evansville, IN. This morning, while
searching the World Wide Web to find the FOXNEWS.com websight, I stumbled across your
http://www.freeloko.com. I was horrifically surprised by what I saw. I expected a websight
dedicated to helping consumers find discounts on “Lavender Orchard Kegel Ointment” so I could
buy some for my pregnant sister. When I saw what your sight was really about, I was
surprisingly horrified. You see, my son recently passed away. Although he died of causes not
related to your Four Loko drink like those poor boys in Washington state (not Washington, D.C.),
any cause or movement dedicated to a product which kills and corrupts our youths makes me
sickeningly horrified and surprisingly sickened.
What makes me even more upset is the way in which your organization has aligned itself
with the Tea Party Movement. My husband and I are members of the Tea Party. We Tea
Partiers are not terrorists or extremists. We are just ordinary citizens who are extremely terrified
by the democrats and the black in office in Washington D.C. (not Washington state). We want
the government to get its grubby coal-colored hands off our money and freedoms just as much as
you do. But quite frankly, you and your radical friends have gone too far.
I never thought I would see the day when I would side with democrats, but those folks
from Washington state (not George, Washington, but probably from Olympia) are doing what it
takes to protect their children. As much as I hate big government, some regulations are O.K as
long as they protect families and morals and keep God in schools. My son died of a lack of faith.
The doctors say it was the fall off the 7th story of that parking garage after he had been drinking
some drink called “Sparks” with friends, but I know it was a lack of faith that put him in the
ground. If only his school had forced him and his classmates to learn about creation and the
Good Book from an early age, he never would have gotten mixed up with those Jewish boys who
forced him to drink that evil drink.
I am asking you to stand down and not support this drink or stand in the way of the
government’s regulations prohibiting Four Loko. If you had children, you would understand. No
one wants to see their children influenced by the radical ideas published on your websight. Your
websight is killing our children. Please stop. Thank you.
P.S. I am not opposed to you publishing your websight in Spanish.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
We here at FreeLoko.com are excited to announce that the bigwigs of the Free Loko Movement are in talks with the biggerwigs of the Tea Party movement to unleash a new Free Loko Party to run in the public elections for the next several centuries or millenia (whichever comes first).
Though the partnership seems unlikely, our two organizations found some common ground. We at Free Loko needed the fervor and moxy of the Tea Party to increase our profile in the public sphere. Meanwhile, the Tea Party wanted to switch to a harder beverage for the upcoming 2012 election. Since Russia already has a Vodka Party, they were hard-pressed to find a replacement until they found us.
As a result of this partnership, The Free Loko Movement grows ever-closer to getting elected our first drunk-yet-energized president: Ted Hussein Four Loko. The scientists at Fort Loko are currently isolating the right genes to engineer the perfect candidate.
This goes beyond bringing back your favorite drink. We’re going to change the world. We believe that, once allowed free, the Four Loko party will make the two-party system obsolete in favor of something more utopian: The Party.
You’ll notice I left out the word “system.” That’s because by then we’ll have smashed it.
This is what fed up looks like
Our Mission Statement
In association with Dale Robertson of TeaParty.org, we have drafted our preliminary mission statement (to be edited in the morning once we’re sober):
The Four Loko Party is a grassroots movement that brings awareness to any challenges to the ability for bros and hipsters alike to get their drink on without duress or government intervention in our beloved nation, the United States of America™.
From our founding, the Four Loko Party has been the voice of the true owners of the United States, WE THE PEOPLE. All we ask is the FDA and state governments IGNORE BIASED HEALTH STUDIES that claim Four Loko is unsafe. It is not unsafe: it is UNunsafe.
Many claim to be the founders of this movement — however, it was the brave souls of the men and women on November 17th, 2010, known today as Lokonacht, who dared defy the greatest single military force in the universe — the US Food and Drug Administration — by refusing to put down their malt liquor in the face of FDA firebombs and Panzer tanks.
We are the beneficiaries of their courage and the heirs to their courageous throne of bravery on which we proudly sit and make our stand. By joining the Four Loko Party, you are taking a stand for our nation. You will be upholding the grand principles set forth in the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. Our right to party.