Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving
Malcom X contemplates purchasing either Lemonade Four Loko or Cranberry-Lemonade Four Loko during his trip to Mecca
In recent weeks, a handful of Four Loko-related hospitalizations have occurred across the country, prompting the states of Michigan, Oklahoma, Utah, Washington and New York to ban sales of the drink.
Now that New York has fallen to Four Loko prohibition, there will be fighting in the streets to salvage the remaining cans. The best case scenario I can envision is a full-blown RACE WAR by tomorrow evening.
For those still alive, don’t be bitter. Instead, be vengeful. Defeat the FDA’S PSYCHIC SPIES who are brain controlling our senators.
FourScore and Seven Seven and Sevens Ago, I was informed that the cruelty of evil men was overrunning the freedoms our forefathers fought so valiantly to deny. The FDA, which they claim stands for the Food and Drug Administration, but most likely ACTUALLY means Fraternity of (non)Drinking Assholes, have deemed it necessary to strip the common man of HIS right to poison himself in any way he sees fit.
I emphasize the He, because the fairer sex usually opts out of riding the Four Train, in favor of wine coolers or vodka cranberry. Were these flavors integrated into the FourLoko pantheon, perhaps equality could have been achieved in our society? Do you know that, even today, a woman’s drink still contains 7/10ths the alcohol-by-volume of a man’s? I ask you- is that justice?
Friends, I find it rather insulting in an age that we can allow two men to marry, a man still does not have the right to drink a vaguely grape-flavored beverage that will not allow him to drive a vehicle. And if he does, he’s treated like some sort of irresponsible criminal!
I promise you here and now, as we stand with our necks firmly under the boot of President Barack Obummer, that this ruthless aggression will not stand! I urge you, my drunken Americans, to take umbrage to this fact. As several of the discredited journalists on this site have mentioned, a race war is inevitable, but it could have easily been avoided if we had real democracy.
Where was my choice on that ballot I didn’t fill out because I was too lazy to vote? We are given to the “choice” to elect terrorists like Jerry Brown or Bristol Palin to the next round of Dancing With The Stars, but we’re not free to decide which drinks will give us splitting headaches? I don’t know about you, but the FDA is not my mother — she would be way cooler about this but that’s mostly because she wouldn’t know, since I drink in my room after she falls asleep.
Elliot Ness would be rolling in his grave, if he were dead.