Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving
The Daily Telegraph reports that: The president has refused to grant NASA funding for Mars, unless they build a special high speed presidential space ship for deep space excursions to the Moon for him and his wife.
If Obama wasn’t so worried about his own Moon trip, he would know that Four Loko doubles as a cheap jet fuel SIXTY NINE TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE than our current mixture.
BROS AND BABES IN SPACE. This could’ve been our future.
We need the Obama Administration to change its Four Loko Policy like right now. The only thing keeping Joe Biden from Plotting another 911 and redistributing America’s money to the Chinese is WHOLESALE DISSENT through the form of LETTER WRITING.
We wrote a letter that you can put your name on and send directly to President Obama. Just fill in the blanks and you’re done. And I got his address from the White House’s website so you can send it like right to his desk.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
If you’re really angry, consider rewriting the letter in ALL CAPS before you send it.
Hi President Obama,
It’s me, [INSERT FULL NAME]. It’s good to hear you are doing well, according to CNN. Fox News says you’re having a bad day, so I don’t know who to trust. I’m going to stay positive in these tough times though and assume you’re having a good day. Write back if this is incorrect.
I am writing to you because America is having a bad day. On November 17th, 2010, the Food and Drug Administration declared Four Loko “unsafe” due to the presence of caffeine and additives like taurine and guarana. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], find these additives allow me to get intoxicated enough to mingle without the pressures of sobriety, but keep me good enough to drive home afterwards (as long as there isn’t too much traffic).
After my fervent support of your Health Care reform policy, and after voting for you several times in the last Presidential election, I find myself betrayed by your Four Loko policy. Have you tried it? It gets you drunk but keeps you alert at the same time, so you can do stuff with laser-like accuracy, like text all my ex-girlfriends without considering the consequences. It’s like liquid crack.
But unlike crack, Four Loko isn’t ruining our urban environments. If anything, Four Loko is making our urban environments better. Just like how America has Blacks, Whites, Asians, Indians, the other kind of Indians, Mexicans, Cubans (who, even though they look White, aren’t really White) and Puerto Ricans, Four Loko is also diverse, boasting a melting pot of flavors: Grape, Orange, Watermelon, Fruit Punch, Blue Raspberry, Lemon Lime, Lemonade and Cranberry Lemonade.
It’s probably like a metaphor about how all Americans are different but they’re still created equal (Thomas Jefferson, Declaration of Independence, National Archives, 1776). Loko is even a Mexican word, so repealing the prohibition on Four Loko will help US diplomatic relations like how ending Prohibition helped us win Pearl Harbor.
For all of the above reasons the Federal government should write Four Loko into the Laws of Congress and the State Regulations of Administration Departments. If you still aren’t convinced, it’s probably just because you haven’t tried the Cranberry Lemonade flavor yet. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], can buy you a can if you want. It’s the best flavor.
America has always been Cranberry Lemonade for 200+ years. Without Four Loko, we risk downgrading our great nation to the newly sanitized Sparks. Or worse: Night Train.
[INSERT FULL NAME]
Remember, the most important part is to fill in YOUR OWN NAME. Here is the Word Document so you can insert your name before you send it in. If you want to make it really official you can add a little Presidential seal to it like this
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Crack Open Your Beers.
The fine people at FreeLoko have had enough. The founding member of this movement, Angela Davis, has urged you to take a the pacifist approach and write a letter to the President. I have several problems with this: (1) I never learned how to use a Word Processor, and (2) I know the Obama Administration will casually forget to reimburse me for the money I spend on postage to send my letter (just like “President” Obama forgot his birth certificate in 2008).
Writing letters and emails will only clog Presidential paper shredders and cause our legislators’ unpaid interns’ fingers to cramp up clicking the Delete button. What then to do? How do we show them we mean business?
Rather than firing off an email, fire a few rounds into your nearest City Hall.
I, Abraham Drinkin’, promise to get all of you out of any legal trouble, should you be stupid enough to forget to flush your guns down a storm drain. Once I finish my paralegal certification correspondence course (which will happen as soon as I  learn how to use a Word Processor and  save enough money to pay for postage), I will get you out of jail for a nominal fee.
So crack a can of Loko, chamber a round, and light up Washington with your discontent. Tell ’em Abraham Drinkin’ sent you. But don’t tell anybody that who might be able to get me in trouble. I’m on parole, and I really don’t want any problems.
The FDA has concluded that Four Loko is “unsafe” for human consumption. “Acting early to protect public health is critical and a vital component of the Obama administration’s [public health efforts],” – FDA
I’m sponsoring a contest. The first person who can link Four Loko to Ebola, Breast Cancer, AIDS, Sleeping Sickness, or the Benjamin Button disease gets A BILLION DOLLARS .
And you know what… you’ll never get not one Krugerrand or Gold Doubloon from me. Because Four Loko doesn’t cause any disease except PARTYING.
Four Loko is as healthy as two Power Bars and like a whole stalk of broccoli.
What else is the FDA gonna tell us is unhealthy? Learning about the REAL TRUTH?