Some people just assume that Four Loko is a new phenomenon because it only appeared on the shelves recently. This post will DEBUNK this mis-truth, most likely created by some Liberal Lie Factory™, by showing you some famous Four Loko moments throughout history.
Lets start at the beginning. Of history that is.
Dateline: One billion years BC: When God asked Abraham to sacrifice his Lemonade Four Loko on Mount Moriah as a test of his faith, the Angel of God stops him at the last minute. Good looking out for a cool bro with a sweet beard, Angel.
Dateline: The Revolutionary War like 300 and some years ago. Pictured here, George Washington doesn’t break a sweat while his less important crew members paddle him across the Deleware River. There, he finds the British’s secret stockpile of Loko floating there, ready for the taking. (Note, before the invention of refrigeration, it was common for soldiers to leave their malt liquor tall boys in cold rivers so they wouldn’t get warm and nasty.)
Washington stole the Lokos boosting American soldier morale and drunkeness by 1000%. The courage of alcohol combined with the lazer-sharp awareness of caffeine allowed America to win the Revolutionary War by three points in double overtime with only two seconds left on the clock.
More scenes from Four Loko history to come.
Another guest-editorial from Four Loko advocate, Abraham Drinkin’ seen here in this recent press photo care of the Pinellas County correction facility:
While we’re all in agreement that the Federal Douchebag Ass-ociation has several unconstitutional, race-related motivations for FourLoko, the major one being argued by these pussies is that the caffeine is gonna mess with the health of all the underaged kids that are lucky enough to have older brothers and sisters or chill as hell parents. From what I understand, the people at Fort Loko are caving to the pressure and wanting to remove the caffeine, but will it be the same? FourLoko is a work of mass-produced, mass-consumed art. If you take the caffeine out, you may as well take the alcohol, taurine, and guarine. Then what do we have? Canned water, which is RACIST. If you have to ask me why, you’re racist too.
The fact is that drinking makes teenagers feel like adults, and prepares them for the harsh world of college, where either you bro down or fag up. Either way you gotta rock a FourLoko or get rocked. Statistically, towns with schools in which FourLoko has been removed have experienced a 40% decrease in slutty behavior, fighting, and shirtlessness. I know I like to take my shirt off, fight, and grab a slampiece EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, and the only fuel that gives me the confidence and lack-of-understanding-of-what-no-means is FOURLOKO.
Kids are gonna drink coffee, and kids are gonna drink booze, and Loko offers the best of both words in one convenient, cool-looking can. If you don’t keep caffeine in the can, all they’re gonna do is get high on beers and then drive their Honda Elements down to Starbucks – a company that funds Israeli terrorism by the way. A Loko in the morning gives you the stamina to stay awake during the day, but gets you super roasted, so you can be super cool and fit in. If you think everyone else in your freshman algebra class isn’t drunk, then you need to pound another Grape or Watermelon, bro. Plus coffee burns the tongue, which makes communicating with honeydips extra hard, you feel me?
Taking the caffeine out of FourLoko was probably those dudes’ compromise to avoid getting banned, but you know what they say: outlaw FourLoko, and only Outlaws will be getting blitz.
THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION can make us all have healthcare, but what good is insurance if you can’t make your liver go Loko?
Many thanks to the local Pinellas County Florida police department for allowing Abraham to publish his blog
What’s happening to Four Loko now, HAS happened before.. .Today you shall be with me in paradise.
When Jesus was asked by his mother, Mary, to keep the party going, Jesus turned the wine into Cranberry Lemonade Four Loko. (Gospel of John, The Bible, © God, 3000 BC-200 AD)