Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving
For the sake of being fair and balanced, we’re posting this guest editorial that isn’t 100% committed to the cause of BRINGING DOWN THE SYSTEM via Four Loko.
To the editors at http://www.freeloko.com,
My name is Anne Dush (pronounced like “Bush” only with a “D” instead of a “B” where
the “B” is in “Bush”). I am 47 years old and live in Evansville, IN. This morning, while
searching the World Wide Web to find the FOXNEWS.com websight, I stumbled across your
http://www.freeloko.com. I was horrifically surprised by what I saw. I expected a websight
dedicated to helping consumers find discounts on “Lavender Orchard Kegel Ointment” so I could
buy some for my pregnant sister. When I saw what your sight was really about, I was
surprisingly horrified. You see, my son recently passed away. Although he died of causes not
related to your Four Loko drink like those poor boys in Washington state (not Washington, D.C.),
any cause or movement dedicated to a product which kills and corrupts our youths makes me
sickeningly horrified and surprisingly sickened.
What makes me even more upset is the way in which your organization has aligned itself
with the Tea Party Movement. My husband and I are members of the Tea Party. We Tea
Partiers are not terrorists or extremists. We are just ordinary citizens who are extremely terrified
by the democrats and the black in office in Washington D.C. (not Washington state). We want
the government to get its grubby coal-colored hands off our money and freedoms just as much as
you do. But quite frankly, you and your radical friends have gone too far.
I never thought I would see the day when I would side with democrats, but those folks
from Washington state (not George, Washington, but probably from Olympia) are doing what it
takes to protect their children. As much as I hate big government, some regulations are O.K as
long as they protect families and morals and keep God in schools. My son died of a lack of faith.
The doctors say it was the fall off the 7th story of that parking garage after he had been drinking
some drink called “Sparks” with friends, but I know it was a lack of faith that put him in the
ground. If only his school had forced him and his classmates to learn about creation and the
Good Book from an early age, he never would have gotten mixed up with those Jewish boys who
forced him to drink that evil drink.
I am asking you to stand down and not support this drink or stand in the way of the
government’s regulations prohibiting Four Loko. If you had children, you would understand. No
one wants to see their children influenced by the radical ideas published on your websight. Your
websight is killing our children. Please stop. Thank you.
P.S. I am not opposed to you publishing your websight in Spanish.
We at Free Loko love to hear about our Four Locals railing against authority and partaking in delicious drinks regardless of unfair government bans. Reader “Mos Stef” posted the above image from her housewarming party with the following “Tweet”:
My haus-warming party is gonna get a bit… Loko. Artie just surprised me with a wide selection. Holy shit.
Hats off to “Artie,” whoever he/she may be. We’ll politely ignore the irrelevant Joose on the right.
Send us pics of YOUR Four Loko acts of rebellion: angela [at] freeloko (dot) com
This bro got Loko’d IN the store! He should have seen the sign behind him and known what was up!
All you need is a can of Four Loko and an unwitting friend. The rules of the game are simple:
1. Keep your can hidden
2. Act as if a maneuver is not going to be cunningly pulled, and…
3. BAM — present your friend with a can of Loko. He must get on a knee and chug the whole Four Loko before he realizes that it might kill him
This is called Bros Lokoing Bros, and it’s sweeping the nation! Personally, we love the trend, because it means a party can break out anywhere provided someone’s got a concealed Loko and a bro.
Rule #4: Even there’s a small probability that you won’t die if you chug two Four Lokos back-to-back, you should not Loko a bro more than once without performing the Last Rites of whatever religious faith your bro practices.
This bro got Loko’d at a press conference! With another Four Loko in front of him! Someone must have seen his tie!
Here at Free Loko we’re getting reports of increasing instances of Bros Lokoing Bros in increasingly elaborate manners. One Four Local created a system of pulleys to gently drop a can into his roommates bed, while another froze a can into a giant ice sculpture at a millionaire’s birthday.
One brave Four Local delivering food and medical supplies dropped a crate of Four Loko onto an African village, thereby making the party an international affair. Hats off to this devil-may-care pilot!
This bro got Loko’d at a press conference, too! In front of his mom! Harsh.
We regret to already report one death resulting from a Lokoing gone wrong. If you think this is bad for the cause, it’s not because the deceased never had a drop of the tasty malt beverage. Instead, his friends hid a can in the microwave and the poor soul turned it on without looking inside. Instead of a party blowing up, HE blew up.
Hopefully these brave bros will get smart and Loko people who have never had the drink before. This would not only make the party grow in ways never before imagined, but it will introduce all of America to the splendor of Four Loko. Maybe the President will even get Loko’d by the Speaker of the House and change his tune on the ban.
Some people just assume that Four Loko is a new phenomenon because it only appeared on the shelves recently. This post will DEBUNK this mis-truth, most likely created by some Liberal Lie Factory™, by showing you some famous Four Loko moments throughout history.
Lets start at the beginning. Of history that is.
Dateline: One billion years BC: When God asked Abraham to sacrifice his Lemonade Four Loko on Mount Moriah as a test of his faith, the Angel of God stops him at the last minute. Good looking out for a cool bro with a sweet beard, Angel.
Dateline: The Revolutionary War like 300 and some years ago. Pictured here, George Washington doesn’t break a sweat while his less important crew members paddle him across the Deleware River. There, he finds the British’s secret stockpile of Loko floating there, ready for the taking. (Note, before the invention of refrigeration, it was common for soldiers to leave their malt liquor tall boys in cold rivers so they wouldn’t get warm and nasty.)
Washington stole the Lokos boosting American soldier morale and drunkeness by 1000%. The courage of alcohol combined with the lazer-sharp awareness of caffeine allowed America to win the Revolutionary War by three points in double overtime with only two seconds left on the clock.
More scenes from Four Loko history to come.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
We here at FreeLoko.com are excited to announce that the bigwigs of the Free Loko Movement are in talks with the biggerwigs of the Tea Party movement to unleash a new Free Loko Party to run in the public elections for the next several centuries or millenia (whichever comes first).
Though the partnership seems unlikely, our two organizations found some common ground. We at Free Loko needed the fervor and moxy of the Tea Party to increase our profile in the public sphere. Meanwhile, the Tea Party wanted to switch to a harder beverage for the upcoming 2012 election. Since Russia already has a Vodka Party, they were hard-pressed to find a replacement until they found us.
As a result of this partnership, The Free Loko Movement grows ever-closer to getting elected our first drunk-yet-energized president: Ted Hussein Four Loko. The scientists at Fort Loko are currently isolating the right genes to engineer the perfect candidate.
This goes beyond bringing back your favorite drink. We’re going to change the world. We believe that, once allowed free, the Four Loko party will make the two-party system obsolete in favor of something more utopian: The Party.
You’ll notice I left out the word “system.” That’s because by then we’ll have smashed it.
This is what fed up looks like
Our Mission Statement
In association with Dale Robertson of TeaParty.org, we have drafted our preliminary mission statement (to be edited in the morning once we’re sober):
The Four Loko Party is a grassroots movement that brings awareness to any challenges to the ability for bros and hipsters alike to get their drink on without duress or government intervention in our beloved nation, the United States of America™.
From our founding, the Four Loko Party has been the voice of the true owners of the United States, WE THE PEOPLE. All we ask is the FDA and state governments IGNORE BIASED HEALTH STUDIES that claim Four Loko is unsafe. It is not unsafe: it is UNunsafe.
Many claim to be the founders of this movement — however, it was the brave souls of the men and women on November 17th, 2010, known today as Lokonacht, who dared defy the greatest single military force in the universe — the US Food and Drug Administration — by refusing to put down their malt liquor in the face of FDA firebombs and Panzer tanks.
We are the beneficiaries of their courage and the heirs to their courageous throne of bravery on which we proudly sit and make our stand. By joining the Four Loko Party, you are taking a stand for our nation. You will be upholding the grand principles set forth in the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. Our right to party.
What’s happening to Four Loko now, HAS happened before.. .Today you shall be with me in paradise.
When Jesus was asked by his mother, Mary, to keep the party going, Jesus turned the wine into Cranberry Lemonade Four Loko. (Gospel of John, The Bible, © God, 3000 BC-200 AD)
In “Talking to your teen about Four Loko” this old out of touch honky claims that “alcohol consumption is [far more dangerous] for teenage drinkers.” Maybe, maybe not. I’m not a scientist.
But would you seriously trust this SLAVE OWNER to teach your kids about Four Loko?
This is how I’d teach my kids about Four Loko:
Merry Christmas. They’ll be the only ones to survive the impending Chinese Invasion this December.
We need the Obama Administration to change its Four Loko Policy like right now. The only thing keeping Joe Biden from Plotting another 911 and redistributing America’s money to the Chinese is WHOLESALE DISSENT through the form of LETTER WRITING.
We wrote a letter that you can put your name on and send directly to President Obama. Just fill in the blanks and you’re done. And I got his address from the White House’s website so you can send it like right to his desk.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
If you’re really angry, consider rewriting the letter in ALL CAPS before you send it.
Hi President Obama,
It’s me, [INSERT FULL NAME]. It’s good to hear you are doing well, according to CNN. Fox News says you’re having a bad day, so I don’t know who to trust. I’m going to stay positive in these tough times though and assume you’re having a good day. Write back if this is incorrect.
I am writing to you because America is having a bad day. On November 17th, 2010, the Food and Drug Administration declared Four Loko “unsafe” due to the presence of caffeine and additives like taurine and guarana. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], find these additives allow me to get intoxicated enough to mingle without the pressures of sobriety, but keep me good enough to drive home afterwards (as long as there isn’t too much traffic).
After my fervent support of your Health Care reform policy, and after voting for you several times in the last Presidential election, I find myself betrayed by your Four Loko policy. Have you tried it? It gets you drunk but keeps you alert at the same time, so you can do stuff with laser-like accuracy, like text all my ex-girlfriends without considering the consequences. It’s like liquid crack.
But unlike crack, Four Loko isn’t ruining our urban environments. If anything, Four Loko is making our urban environments better. Just like how America has Blacks, Whites, Asians, Indians, the other kind of Indians, Mexicans, Cubans (who, even though they look White, aren’t really White) and Puerto Ricans, Four Loko is also diverse, boasting a melting pot of flavors: Grape, Orange, Watermelon, Fruit Punch, Blue Raspberry, Lemon Lime, Lemonade and Cranberry Lemonade.
It’s probably like a metaphor about how all Americans are different but they’re still created equal (Thomas Jefferson, Declaration of Independence, National Archives, 1776). Loko is even a Mexican word, so repealing the prohibition on Four Loko will help US diplomatic relations like how ending Prohibition helped us win Pearl Harbor.
For all of the above reasons the Federal government should write Four Loko into the Laws of Congress and the State Regulations of Administration Departments. If you still aren’t convinced, it’s probably just because you haven’t tried the Cranberry Lemonade flavor yet. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], can buy you a can if you want. It’s the best flavor.
America has always been Cranberry Lemonade for 200+ years. Without Four Loko, we risk downgrading our great nation to the newly sanitized Sparks. Or worse: Night Train.
[INSERT FULL NAME]
Remember, the most important part is to fill in YOUR OWN NAME. Here is the Word Document so you can insert your name before you send it in. If you want to make it really official you can add a little Presidential seal to it like this
Malcom X contemplates purchasing either Lemonade Four Loko or Cranberry-Lemonade Four Loko during his trip to Mecca
In recent weeks, a handful of Four Loko-related hospitalizations have occurred across the country, prompting the states of Michigan, Oklahoma, Utah, Washington and New York to ban sales of the drink.
Now that New York has fallen to Four Loko prohibition, there will be fighting in the streets to salvage the remaining cans. The best case scenario I can envision is a full-blown RACE WAR by tomorrow evening.
For those still alive, don’t be bitter. Instead, be vengeful. Defeat the FDA’S PSYCHIC SPIES who are brain controlling our senators.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Crack Open Your Beers.
The fine people at FreeLoko have had enough. The founding member of this movement, Angela Davis, has urged you to take a the pacifist approach and write a letter to the President. I have several problems with this: (1) I never learned how to use a Word Processor, and (2) I know the Obama Administration will casually forget to reimburse me for the money I spend on postage to send my letter (just like “President” Obama forgot his birth certificate in 2008).
Writing letters and emails will only clog Presidential paper shredders and cause our legislators’ unpaid interns’ fingers to cramp up clicking the Delete button. What then to do? How do we show them we mean business?
Rather than firing off an email, fire a few rounds into your nearest City Hall.
I, Abraham Drinkin’, promise to get all of you out of any legal trouble, should you be stupid enough to forget to flush your guns down a storm drain. Once I finish my paralegal certification correspondence course (which will happen as soon as I  learn how to use a Word Processor and  save enough money to pay for postage), I will get you out of jail for a nominal fee.
So crack a can of Loko, chamber a round, and light up Washington with your discontent. Tell ’em Abraham Drinkin’ sent you. But don’t tell anybody that who might be able to get me in trouble. I’m on parole, and I really don’t want any problems.
FIRST THEY CAME 4 SPARKS,
AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD FOUR LOKO.
THEN THEY CAME 4 FOUR LOKO,
AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD RED BULL.
THEN THEY CAME 4 RED BULL,
AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD COFFEE.
THEN THEY CAME 4 COFFEE,
AND I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD COKE.
THEN THEY CAME 4 COKE.
AND THEN I DIDN’T SPEAK UP CUZ I HAD 8 HOURS OF SLEEP.
THEN THEY CAME 4 ME.