Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving
Some people just assume that Four Loko is a new phenomenon because it only appeared on the shelves recently. This post will DEBUNK this mis-truth, most likely created by some Liberal Lie Factory™, by showing you some famous Four Loko moments throughout history.
Lets start at the beginning. Of history that is.
Dateline: One billion years BC: When God asked Abraham to sacrifice his Lemonade Four Loko on Mount Moriah as a test of his faith, the Angel of God stops him at the last minute. Good looking out for a cool bro with a sweet beard, Angel.
Dateline: The Revolutionary War like 300 and some years ago. Pictured here, George Washington doesn’t break a sweat while his less important crew members paddle him across the Deleware River. There, he finds the British’s secret stockpile of Loko floating there, ready for the taking. (Note, before the invention of refrigeration, it was common for soldiers to leave their malt liquor tall boys in cold rivers so they wouldn’t get warm and nasty.)
Washington stole the Lokos boosting American soldier morale and drunkeness by 1000%. The courage of alcohol combined with the lazer-sharp awareness of caffeine allowed America to win the Revolutionary War by three points in double overtime with only two seconds left on the clock.
More scenes from Four Loko history to come.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
We here at FreeLoko.com are excited to announce that the bigwigs of the Free Loko Movement are in talks with the biggerwigs of the Tea Party movement to unleash a new Free Loko Party to run in the public elections for the next several centuries or millenia (whichever comes first).
Though the partnership seems unlikely, our two organizations found some common ground. We at Free Loko needed the fervor and moxy of the Tea Party to increase our profile in the public sphere. Meanwhile, the Tea Party wanted to switch to a harder beverage for the upcoming 2012 election. Since Russia already has a Vodka Party, they were hard-pressed to find a replacement until they found us.
As a result of this partnership, The Free Loko Movement grows ever-closer to getting elected our first drunk-yet-energized president: Ted Hussein Four Loko. The scientists at Fort Loko are currently isolating the right genes to engineer the perfect candidate.
This goes beyond bringing back your favorite drink. We’re going to change the world. We believe that, once allowed free, the Four Loko party will make the two-party system obsolete in favor of something more utopian: The Party.
You’ll notice I left out the word “system.” That’s because by then we’ll have smashed it.
This is what fed up looks like
Our Mission Statement
In association with Dale Robertson of TeaParty.org, we have drafted our preliminary mission statement (to be edited in the morning once we’re sober):
The Four Loko Party is a grassroots movement that brings awareness to any challenges to the ability for bros and hipsters alike to get their drink on without duress or government intervention in our beloved nation, the United States of America™.
From our founding, the Four Loko Party has been the voice of the true owners of the United States, WE THE PEOPLE. All we ask is the FDA and state governments IGNORE BIASED HEALTH STUDIES that claim Four Loko is unsafe. It is not unsafe: it is UNunsafe.
Many claim to be the founders of this movement — however, it was the brave souls of the men and women on November 17th, 2010, known today as Lokonacht, who dared defy the greatest single military force in the universe — the US Food and Drug Administration — by refusing to put down their malt liquor in the face of FDA firebombs and Panzer tanks.
We are the beneficiaries of their courage and the heirs to their courageous throne of bravery on which we proudly sit and make our stand. By joining the Four Loko Party, you are taking a stand for our nation. You will be upholding the grand principles set forth in the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. Our right to party.