Four Loko = Freedom

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Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving

Caffeine-Free Is a Four Letter Word

Another guest-editorial from Four Loko advocate, Abraham Drinkin’ seen here in this recent press photo care of the Pinellas County correction facility:

Abraham Drinkin's most recent press photo care of the Pinellas County correctional system

Dearest FourLocals,

While we’re all in agreement that the Federal Douchebag Ass-ociation has several unconstitutional, race-related motivations for FourLoko, the major one being argued by these pussies is that the caffeine is gonna mess with the health of all the underaged kids that are lucky enough to have older brothers and sisters or chill as hell parents. From what I understand, the people at Fort Loko are caving to the pressure and wanting to remove the caffeine, but will it be the same? FourLoko is a work of mass-produced, mass-consumed art. If you take the caffeine out, you may as well take the alcohol, taurine, and guarine. Then what do we have? Canned water, which is RACIST. If you have to ask me why, you’re racist too.

The fact is that drinking makes teenagers feel like adults, and prepares them for the harsh world of college, where either you bro down or fag up. Either way you gotta rock a FourLoko or get rocked. Statistically, towns with schools in which FourLoko has been removed have experienced a 40% decrease in slutty behavior, fighting, and shirtlessness. I know I like to take my shirt off, fight, and grab a  slampiece EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, and the only fuel that gives me the confidence and lack-of-understanding-of-what-no-means is FOURLOKO.

Kids are gonna drink coffee, and kids are gonna drink booze, and Loko offers the best of both words in one convenient, cool-looking can. If you don’t keep caffeine in the can, all they’re gonna do is get high on beers and then drive their Honda Elements down to Starbucks — a company that funds Israeli terrorism by the way. A Loko in the morning gives you the stamina to stay awake during the day, but gets you super roasted, so you can be super cool and fit in. If you think everyone else in your freshman algebra class isn’t drunk, then you need to pound another Grape or Watermelon, bro. Plus coffee burns the tongue, which makes communicating with honeydips extra hard, you feel me?

Taking the caffeine out of FourLoko was probably those dudes’ compromise to avoid getting banned, but you know what they say: outlaw FourLoko, and only Outlaws will be getting blitz.

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION can make us all have healthcare, but what good is insurance if you can’t make your liver go Loko?

Many thanks to the local Pinellas County Florida police department for allowing Abraham to publish his blog

This entry was written by Abraham Drinkin', posted on November 23, 2010 at 4:24 am, filed under Drinking Makes Teenagers Cool, Famous Four Locals, FDA is Racist, Know Your History, Useful Stuff. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

When Push Comes to Chug

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Crack Open Your Beers.

The fine people at FreeLoko have had enough. The founding member of this movement, Angela Davis, has urged you to take a the pacifist approach and write a letter to the President. I have several problems with this: (1) I never learned how to use a Word Processor, and (2) I know the Obama Administration will casually forget to reimburse me for the money I spend on postage to send my letter (just like “President” Obama forgot his birth certificate in 2008).

Writing letters and emails will only clog Presidential paper shredders and cause our legislators’ unpaid interns’ fingers to cramp up clicking the Delete button. What then to do? How do we show them we mean business?

Rather than firing off an email, fire a few rounds into your nearest City Hall.

I, Abraham Drinkin’, promise to get all of you out of any legal trouble, should you be stupid enough to forget to flush your guns down a storm drain. Once I finish my paralegal certification correspondence course (which will happen as soon as I [1] learn how to use a Word Processor and [2] save enough money to pay for postage), I will get you out of jail for a nominal fee.

So crack a can of Loko, chamber a round, and light up Washington with your discontent. Tell ’em Abraham Drinkin’ sent you. But don’t tell anybody that who might be able to get me in trouble. I’m on parole, and I really don’t want any problems.

This entry was written by Abraham Drinkin', posted on November 19, 2010 at 2:55 am, filed under FDA is Racist, Four Loko, Obama Administration is Wack. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

The FDA Is Racist

It’s not clear why the FDA singled out only four companies whose drinks include Core High Gravity HG, Moonshot, Joose and Max.

The FDA is afraid of high gravity malt liquor because it’s endorsed by African American celebrities like ICE CUBE and the WU TANG CLAN. Next time your congressman tells you he supports banning Four Loko, ask him if he also supports SLAVERY and JIM CROW LAWS

FDA? More like KKK.

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on November 18, 2010 at 9:43 am, filed under FDA is Racist, Four Loko. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.