Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving
Another guest-editorial from Four Loko advocate, Abraham Drinkin’ seen here in this recent press photo care of the Pinellas County correction facility:
While we’re all in agreement that the Federal Douchebag Ass-ociation has several unconstitutional, race-related motivations for FourLoko, the major one being argued by these pussies is that the caffeine is gonna mess with the health of all the underaged kids that are lucky enough to have older brothers and sisters or chill as hell parents. From what I understand, the people at Fort Loko are caving to the pressure and wanting to remove the caffeine, but will it be the same? FourLoko is a work of mass-produced, mass-consumed art. If you take the caffeine out, you may as well take the alcohol, taurine, and guarine. Then what do we have? Canned water, which is RACIST. If you have to ask me why, you’re racist too.
The fact is that drinking makes teenagers feel like adults, and prepares them for the harsh world of college, where either you bro down or fag up. Either way you gotta rock a FourLoko or get rocked. Statistically, towns with schools in which FourLoko has been removed have experienced a 40% decrease in slutty behavior, fighting, and shirtlessness. I know I like to take my shirt off, fight, and grab a slampiece EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, and the only fuel that gives me the confidence and lack-of-understanding-of-what-no-means is FOURLOKO.
Kids are gonna drink coffee, and kids are gonna drink booze, and Loko offers the best of both words in one convenient, cool-looking can. If you don’t keep caffeine in the can, all they’re gonna do is get high on beers and then drive their Honda Elements down to Starbucks — a company that funds Israeli terrorism by the way. A Loko in the morning gives you the stamina to stay awake during the day, but gets you super roasted, so you can be super cool and fit in. If you think everyone else in your freshman algebra class isn’t drunk, then you need to pound another Grape or Watermelon, bro. Plus coffee burns the tongue, which makes communicating with honeydips extra hard, you feel me?
Taking the caffeine out of FourLoko was probably those dudes’ compromise to avoid getting banned, but you know what they say: outlaw FourLoko, and only Outlaws will be getting blitz.
THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION can make us all have healthcare, but what good is insurance if you can’t make your liver go Loko?
Many thanks to the local Pinellas County Florida police department for allowing Abraham to publish his blog
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Crack Open Your Beers.
The fine people at FreeLoko have had enough. The founding member of this movement, Angela Davis, has urged you to take a the pacifist approach and write a letter to the President. I have several problems with this: (1) I never learned how to use a Word Processor, and (2) I know the Obama Administration will casually forget to reimburse me for the money I spend on postage to send my letter (just like “President” Obama forgot his birth certificate in 2008).
Writing letters and emails will only clog Presidential paper shredders and cause our legislators’ unpaid interns’ fingers to cramp up clicking the Delete button. What then to do? How do we show them we mean business?
Rather than firing off an email, fire a few rounds into your nearest City Hall.
I, Abraham Drinkin’, promise to get all of you out of any legal trouble, should you be stupid enough to forget to flush your guns down a storm drain. Once I finish my paralegal certification correspondence course (which will happen as soon as I  learn how to use a Word Processor and  save enough money to pay for postage), I will get you out of jail for a nominal fee.
So crack a can of Loko, chamber a round, and light up Washington with your discontent. Tell ’em Abraham Drinkin’ sent you. But don’t tell anybody that who might be able to get me in trouble. I’m on parole, and I really don’t want any problems.
FourScore and Seven Seven and Sevens Ago, I was informed that the cruelty of evil men was overrunning the freedoms our forefathers fought so valiantly to deny. The FDA, which they claim stands for the Food and Drug Administration, but most likely ACTUALLY means Fraternity of (non)Drinking Assholes, have deemed it necessary to strip the common man of HIS right to poison himself in any way he sees fit.
I emphasize the He, because the fairer sex usually opts out of riding the Four Train, in favor of wine coolers or vodka cranberry. Were these flavors integrated into the FourLoko pantheon, perhaps equality could have been achieved in our society? Do you know that, even today, a woman’s drink still contains 7/10ths the alcohol-by-volume of a man’s? I ask you- is that justice?
Friends, I find it rather insulting in an age that we can allow two men to marry, a man still does not have the right to drink a vaguely grape-flavored beverage that will not allow him to drive a vehicle. And if he does, he’s treated like some sort of irresponsible criminal!
I promise you here and now, as we stand with our necks firmly under the boot of President Barack Obummer, that this ruthless aggression will not stand! I urge you, my drunken Americans, to take umbrage to this fact. As several of the discredited journalists on this site have mentioned, a race war is inevitable, but it could have easily been avoided if we had real democracy.
Where was my choice on that ballot I didn’t fill out because I was too lazy to vote? We are given to the “choice” to elect terrorists like Jerry Brown or Bristol Palin to the next round of Dancing With The Stars, but we’re not free to decide which drinks will give us splitting headaches? I don’t know about you, but the FDA is not my mother — she would be way cooler about this but that’s mostly because she wouldn’t know, since I drink in my room after she falls asleep.
Elliot Ness would be rolling in his grave, if he were dead.