Four Loko = Freedom

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Although we are fighting a war, be responsible: How Drinking Really Affects Your Driving

United We Stand?

For the sake of being fair and balanced, we’re posting this guest editorial that isn’t 100% committed to the cause of BRINGING DOWN THE SYSTEM via Four Loko.

Church Lady

To the editors at,

My name is Anne Dush (pronounced like “Bush” only with a “D” instead of a “B” where
the “B” is in “Bush”). I am 47 years old and live in Evansville, IN. This morning, while
searching the World Wide Web to find the websight, I stumbled across your I was horrifically surprised by what I saw. I expected a websight
dedicated to helping consumers find discounts on “Lavender Orchard Kegel Ointment” so I could
buy some for my pregnant sister. When I saw what your sight was really about, I was
surprisingly horrified. You see, my son recently passed away. Although he died of causes not
related to your Four Loko drink like those poor boys in Washington state (not Washington, D.C.),
any cause or movement dedicated to a product which kills and corrupts our youths makes me
sickeningly horrified and surprisingly sickened.

What makes me even more upset is the way in which your organization has aligned itself
with the Tea Party Movement
. My husband and I are members of the Tea Party. We Tea
Partiers are not terrorists or extremists. We are just ordinary citizens who are extremely terrified
by the democrats and the black in office in Washington D.C. (not Washington state). We want
the government to get its grubby coal-colored hands off our money and freedoms just as much as
you do. But quite frankly, you and your radical friends have gone too far.

I never thought I would see the day when I would side with democrats, but those folks
from Washington state (not George, Washington, but probably from Olympia) are doing what it
takes to protect their children. As much as I hate big government, some regulations are O.K as
long as they protect families and morals and keep God in schools. My son died of a lack of faith.
The doctors say it was the fall off the 7th story of that parking garage after he had been drinking
some drink called “Sparks” with friends, but I know it was a lack of faith that put him in the
ground. If only his school had forced him and his classmates to learn about creation and the
Good Book from an early age, he never would have gotten mixed up with those Jewish boys who
forced him to drink that evil drink.

I am asking you to stand down and not support this drink or stand in the way of the
government’s regulations prohibiting Four Loko. If you had children, you would understand. No
one wants to see their children influenced by the radical ideas published on your websight. Your
websight is killing our children. Please stop. Thank you.


Anne Dush

P.S. I am not opposed to you publishing your websight in Spanish.

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on November 26, 2010 at 6:57 am, filed under Four Loko, Guest Editorial, Tea Party. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Four Locals: Keeping Hope Alive, Keeping Houses Warm

We at Free Loko love to hear about our Four Locals railing against authority and partaking in delicious drinks regardless of unfair government bans. Reader “Mos Stef” posted the above image from her housewarming party with the following “Tweet”:

My haus-warming party is gonna get a bit… Loko. Artie just surprised me with a wide selection. Holy shit.

Hats off to “Artie,” whoever he/she may be. We’ll politely ignore the irrelevant Joose on the right.

Send us pics of YOUR Four Loko acts of rebellion: angela [at] freeloko (dot) com

This entry was written by Four Loko Che Guevara, posted on November 25, 2010 at 7:15 pm, filed under Four Locals, Four Loko. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

New Exciting Trend: Bros Lokoing Bros

This bro got Loko’d IN the store! He should have seen the sign behind him and known what was up!

All you need is a can of Four Loko and an unwitting friend. The rules of the game are simple:

1. Keep your can hidden

2. Act as if a maneuver is not going to be cunningly pulled, and…

3. BAM — present your friend with a can of Loko. He must get on a knee and chug the whole Four Loko before he realizes that it might kill him

He has to chug all the Four Loko before he realizes it might kill him

This is called Bros Lokoing Bros, and it’s sweeping the nation! Personally, we love the trend, because it means a party can break out anywhere provided someone’s got a concealed Loko and a bro.

Rule #4: Even there’s a small probability that you won’t die if you chug two Four Lokos back-to-back, you should not Loko a bro more than once without performing the Last Rites of whatever religious faith your bro practices.

This bro got Loko’d at a press conference! With another Four Loko in front of him! Someone must have seen his tie!

Here at Free Loko we’re getting reports of increasing instances of Bros Lokoing Bros in increasingly elaborate manners. One Four Local created a system of pulleys to gently drop a can into his roommates bed, while another froze a can into a giant ice sculpture at a millionaire’s birthday.

One brave Four Local delivering food and medical supplies dropped a crate of Four Loko onto an African village, thereby making the party an international affair. Hats off to this devil-may-care pilot!

This bro got Loko’d at a press conference, too! In front of his mom! Harsh.

We regret to already report one death resulting from a Lokoing gone wrong. If you think this is bad for the cause, it’s not because the deceased never had a drop of the tasty malt beverage. Instead, his friends hid a can in the microwave and the poor soul turned it on without looking inside. Instead of a party blowing up, HE blew up.

Hopefully these brave bros will get smart and Loko people who have never had the drink before. This would not only make the party grow in ways never before imagined, but it will introduce all of America to the splendor of Four Loko. Maybe the President will even get Loko’d by the Speaker of the House and change his tune on the ban.

This entry was written by Four Loko Che Guevara, posted on November 24, 2010 at 8:08 pm, filed under Bros Lokoing Bros, Four Locals, Four Loko, Loko Trends. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Scenes from Four Loko History

Some people just assume that Four Loko is a new phenomenon because it only appeared on the shelves recently. This post will DEBUNK this mis-truth, most likely created by some Liberal Lie Factory™, by showing you some famous Four Loko moments throughout history.

Lets start at the beginning. Of history that is.

Not pictured here is God, who at 2 billion years old, is slightly older than Four Loko

Dateline: One billion years BC: When God asked Abraham to sacrifice his Lemonade Four Loko on Mount Moriah as a test of his faith, the Angel of God stops him at the last minute. Good looking out for a cool bro with a sweet beard, Angel.

No-one believed in George Washingtons Four Loko strategy until it won the war

Dateline: The Revolutionary War like 300 and some years ago. Pictured here, George Washington doesn’t break a sweat while his less important crew members paddle him across the Deleware River. There, he finds the British’s secret stockpile of Loko floating there, ready for the taking. (Note, before the invention of refrigeration, it was common for soldiers to leave their malt liquor tall boys in cold rivers so they wouldn’t get warm and nasty.)

Washington stole the Lokos boosting American soldier morale and drunkeness by 1000%. The courage of alcohol combined with the lazer-sharp awareness of caffeine allowed America to win the Revolutionary War by three points in double overtime with only two seconds left on the clock.

More scenes from Four Loko history to come.

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on November 23, 2010 at 5:04 am, filed under Feature Article, Four Loko, Know Your History. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Caffeine-Free Is a Four Letter Word

Another guest-editorial from Four Loko advocate, Abraham Drinkin’ seen here in this recent press photo care of the Pinellas County correction facility:

Abraham Drinkin's most recent press photo care of the Pinellas County correctional system

Dearest FourLocals,

While we’re all in agreement that the Federal Douchebag Ass-ociation has several unconstitutional, race-related motivations for FourLoko, the major one being argued by these pussies is that the caffeine is gonna mess with the health of all the underaged kids that are lucky enough to have older brothers and sisters or chill as hell parents. From what I understand, the people at Fort Loko are caving to the pressure and wanting to remove the caffeine, but will it be the same? FourLoko is a work of mass-produced, mass-consumed art. If you take the caffeine out, you may as well take the alcohol, taurine, and guarine. Then what do we have? Canned water, which is RACIST. If you have to ask me why, you’re racist too.

The fact is that drinking makes teenagers feel like adults, and prepares them for the harsh world of college, where either you bro down or fag up. Either way you gotta rock a FourLoko or get rocked. Statistically, towns with schools in which FourLoko has been removed have experienced a 40% decrease in slutty behavior, fighting, and shirtlessness. I know I like to take my shirt off, fight, and grab a  slampiece EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, and the only fuel that gives me the confidence and lack-of-understanding-of-what-no-means is FOURLOKO.

Kids are gonna drink coffee, and kids are gonna drink booze, and Loko offers the best of both words in one convenient, cool-looking can. If you don’t keep caffeine in the can, all they’re gonna do is get high on beers and then drive their Honda Elements down to Starbucks — a company that funds Israeli terrorism by the way. A Loko in the morning gives you the stamina to stay awake during the day, but gets you super roasted, so you can be super cool and fit in. If you think everyone else in your freshman algebra class isn’t drunk, then you need to pound another Grape or Watermelon, bro. Plus coffee burns the tongue, which makes communicating with honeydips extra hard, you feel me?

Taking the caffeine out of FourLoko was probably those dudes’ compromise to avoid getting banned, but you know what they say: outlaw FourLoko, and only Outlaws will be getting blitz.

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION can make us all have healthcare, but what good is insurance if you can’t make your liver go Loko?

Many thanks to the local Pinellas County Florida police department for allowing Abraham to publish his blog

This entry was written by Abraham Drinkin', posted on at 4:24 am, filed under Drinking Makes Teenagers Cool, Famous Four Locals, FDA is Racist, Know Your History, Useful Stuff. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Partnership with the Tea Party

A New Collaboration between the Four Loko Movement and the Tea Party


We here at are excited to announce that the bigwigs of the Free Loko Movement are in talks with the biggerwigs of the Tea Party movement to unleash a new Free Loko Party to run in the public elections for the next several centuries or millenia (whichever comes first).

Though the partnership seems unlikely, our two organizations found some common ground. We at Free Loko needed the fervor and moxy of the Tea Party to increase our profile in the public sphere. Meanwhile, the Tea Party wanted to switch to a harder beverage for the upcoming 2012 election. Since Russia already has a Vodka Party, they were hard-pressed to find a replacement until they found us.

As a result of this partnership, The Free Loko Movement grows ever-closer to getting elected our first drunk-yet-energized president: Ted Hussein Four Loko. The scientists at Fort Loko are currently isolating the right genes to engineer the perfect candidate.

This goes beyond bringing back your favorite drink. We’re going to change the world. We believe that, once allowed free, the Four Loko party will make the two-party system obsolete in favor of something more utopian: The Party.

You’ll notice I left out the word “system.” That’s because by then we’ll have smashed it.

Tea Party four loko connection

This is what fed up looks like

Our Mission Statement

In association with Dale Robertson of, we have drafted our preliminary mission statement (to be edited in the morning once we’re sober):

The Four Loko Party is a grassroots movement that brings awareness to any challenges to the ability for bros and hipsters alike to get their drink on without duress or government intervention in our beloved nation, the United States of America™.

From our founding, the Four Loko Party has been the voice of the true owners of the United States, WE THE PEOPLE. All we ask is the FDA and state governments IGNORE BIASED HEALTH STUDIES that claim Four Loko is unsafe. It is not unsafe: it is UNunsafe.

Many claim to be the founders of this movement — however, it was the brave souls of the men and women on November 17th, 2010, known today as Lokonacht, who dared defy the greatest single military force in the universe — the US Food and Drug Administration — by refusing to put down their malt liquor in the face of FDA firebombs and Panzer tanks.

We are the beneficiaries of their courage and the heirs to their courageous throne of bravery on which we proudly sit and make our stand. By joining the Four Loko Party, you are taking a stand for our nation. You will be upholding the grand principles set forth in the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. Our right to party.

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on November 22, 2010 at 1:18 am, filed under Big Announcement, Feature Article, Four Loko, Tea Party. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

God Save the Loko

What’s happening to Four Loko now, HAS happened before.. .Today you shall be with me in paradise.

Four Loko Jesus

When Jesus was asked by his mother, Mary, to keep the party going, Jesus turned the wine into Cranberry Lemonade Four Loko. (Gospel of John, The Bible, © God, 3000 BC-200 AD)

Four Loko Angels

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on November 21, 2010 at 8:42 pm, filed under Four Loko, Know Your History, Real Truth. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Best Coast Drinks Four Loko

Despite the FDA’s banning of God’s own ambrosia, Four Loko, America’s artists are taking a stand against the tyranny of prohibition to become supporters of the cause, also known as Four Locals. Take, for example, Best Coast (I can’t tell if that’s her name or the band’s name — more research needed), proudly showing off her watermelon flavor can to the entire internet, INCLUDING PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.


(more research has been done: her band’s name is Best Coast, her name is Beth Coast)

This entry was written by Four Loko Che Guevara, posted on at 1:55 am, filed under Drinking Makes Teenagers Cool, Famous Four Locals, Four Locals. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

The Four Loko Frontier

The Daily Telegraph reports that: The president has refused to grant NASA funding for Mars, unless they build a special high speed presidential space ship for deep space excursions to the Moon for him and his wife.

If Obama wasn’t so worried about his own Moon trip, he would know that Four Loko doubles as a cheap jet fuel SIXTY NINE TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE than our current mixture.

Bros And Babes In Space

BROS AND BABES IN SPACE. This could’ve been our future.

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on November 20, 2010 at 6:06 pm, filed under Obama Administration is Wack, Real Truth. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Talking to your teen about Four Loko

In “Talking to your teen about Four Loko” this old out of touch honky claims that “alcohol consumption is [far more dangerous] for teenage drinkers.” Maybe, maybe not. I’m not a scientist.

But would you seriously trust this SLAVE OWNER to teach your kids about Four Loko?

Would you seriously trust this SLAVE OWNER to teach your kids about Four Loko?

This is how I’d teach my kids about Four Loko:

Merry Christmas Four Loko

Merry Christmas. They’ll be the only ones to survive the impending Chinese Invasion this December.

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on at 1:05 am, filed under Drinking Makes Teenagers Cool, Four Loko. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Write to the President

We need the Obama Administration to change its Four Loko Policy like right now. The only thing keeping Joe Biden from Plotting another 911 and redistributing America’s money to the Chinese is WHOLESALE DISSENT through the form of LETTER WRITING.

We wrote a letter that you can put your name on and send directly to President Obama. Just fill in the blanks and you’re done. And I got his address from the White House’s website so you can send it like right to his desk.

The President
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

If you’re really angry, consider rewriting the letter in ALL CAPS before you send it.

Hi President Obama,

It’s me, [INSERT FULL NAME]. It’s good to hear you are doing well, according to CNN. Fox News says you’re having a bad day, so I don’t know who to trust. I’m going to stay positive in these tough times though and assume you’re having a good day. Write back if this is incorrect.

I am writing to you because America is having a bad day. On November 17th, 2010, the Food and Drug Administration declared Four Loko “unsafe” due to the presence of caffeine and additives like taurine and guarana. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], find these additives allow me to get intoxicated enough to mingle without the pressures of sobriety, but keep me good enough to drive home afterwards (as long as there isn’t too much traffic).

After my fervent support of your Health Care reform policy, and after voting for you  several times in the last Presidential election, I find myself betrayed by your Four Loko policy. Have you tried it? It gets you drunk but keeps you alert at the same time, so you can do stuff with laser-like accuracy, like text all my ex-girlfriends without considering the consequences. It’s like liquid crack.

But unlike crack, Four Loko isn’t ruining our urban environments. If anything, Four Loko is making our urban environments better. Just like how America has Blacks, Whites, Asians, Indians, the other kind of Indians, Mexicans, Cubans (who, even though they look White, aren’t really White) and Puerto Ricans, Four Loko is also diverse, boasting a melting pot of flavors: Grape, Orange, Watermelon, Fruit Punch, Blue Raspberry, Lemon Lime, Lemonade and Cranberry Lemonade.

It’s probably like a metaphor about how all Americans are different but they’re still created equal (Thomas Jefferson, Declaration of Independence, National Archives, 1776). Loko is even a Mexican word, so repealing the prohibition on Four Loko will help US diplomatic relations like how ending Prohibition helped us win Pearl Harbor.

For all of the above reasons the Federal government should write Four Loko into the Laws of Congress and the State Regulations of Administration Departments. If you still aren’t convinced, it’s probably just because you haven’t tried the Cranberry Lemonade flavor yet. I, [INSERT FULL NAME], can buy you a can if you want. It’s the best flavor.

America has always been Cranberry Lemonade for 200+ years. Without Four Loko, we risk downgrading our great nation to the newly sanitized Sparks. Or worse: Night Train.

Lovingly Yours,


Washington Correspondent

Remember, the most important part is to fill in YOUR OWN NAME. Here is the Word Document so you can insert your name before you send it in. If you want to make it really official you can add a little Presidential seal to it like this

Try to spot all of the hidden symbols of the Illuminati

This entry was written by Angela Davis, posted on November 19, 2010 at 4:06 am, filed under Four Loko, Obama Administration is Wack, Useful Stuff. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

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