My name is Anne Dush (pronounced like “Bush” only with a “D” instead of a “B” where
the “B” is in “Bush”). I am 47 years old and live in Evansville, IN. This morning, while
searching the World Wide Web to find the FOXNEWS.com websight, I stumbled across your
http://www.freeloko.com. I was horrifically surprised by what I saw. I expected a websight
dedicated to helping consumers find discounts on “Lavender Orchard Kegel Ointment” so I could
buy some for my pregnant sister. When I saw what your sight was really about, I was
surprisingly horrified. You see, my son recently passed away. Although he died of causes not
related to your Four Loko drink like those poor boys in Washington state (not Washington, D.C.),
any cause or movement dedicated to a product which kills and corrupts our youths makes me
sickeningly horrified and surprisingly sickened.
What makes me even more upset is the way in which your organization has aligned itself
with the Tea Party Movement. My husband and I are members of the Tea Party. We Tea
Partiers are not terrorists or extremists. We are just ordinary citizens who are extremely terrified
by the democrats and the black in office in Washington D.C. (not Washington state). We want
the government to get its grubby coal-colored hands off our money and freedoms just as much as
you do. But quite frankly, you and your radical friends have gone too far.
I never thought I would see the day when I would side with democrats, but those folks
from Washington state (not George, Washington, but probably from Olympia) are doing what it
takes to protect their children. As much as I hate big government, some regulations are O.K as
long as they protect families and morals and keep God in schools. My son died of a lack of faith.
The doctors say it was the fall off the 7th story of that parking garage after he had been drinking
some drink called “Sparks” with friends, but I know it was a lack of faith that put him in the
ground. If only his school had forced him and his classmates to learn about creation and the
Good Book from an early age, he never would have gotten mixed up with those Jewish boys who
forced him to drink that evil drink.
I am asking you to stand down and not support this drink or stand in the way of the
government’s regulations prohibiting Four Loko. If you had children, you would understand. No
one wants to see their children influenced by the radical ideas published on your websight. Your
websight is killing our children. Please stop. Thank you.
P.S. I am not opposed to you publishing your websight in Spanish.
We at Free Loko love to hear about our Four Locals railing against authority and partaking in delicious drinks regardless of unfair government bans. Reader “Mos Stef” posted the above image from her housewarming party with the following “Tweet”:
My haus-warming party is gonna get a bit… Loko. Artie just surprised me with a wide selection. Holy shit.
Hats off to “Artie,” whoever he/she may be. We’ll politely ignore the irrelevant Joose on the right.
Send us pics of YOUR Four Loko acts of rebellion: angela [at] freeloko (dot) com
This bro got Loko’d IN the store! He should have seen the sign behind him and known what was up!
All you need is a can of Four Loko and an unwitting friend. The rules of the game are simple:
1. Keep your can hidden
2. Act as if a maneuver is not going to be cunningly pulled, and…
3. BAM — present your friend with a can of Loko. He must get on a knee and chug the whole Four Loko before he realizes that it might kill him
This is called Bros Lokoing Bros, and it’s sweeping the nation! Personally, we love the trend, because it means a party can break out anywhere provided someone’s got a concealed Loko and a bro.
Rule #4: Even there’s a small probability that you won’t die if you chug two Four Lokos back-to-back, you should not Loko a bro more than once without performing the Last Rites of whatever religious faith your bro practices.
This bro got Loko’d at a press conference! With another Four Loko in front of him! Someone must have seen his tie!
Here at Free Loko we’re getting reports of increasing instances of Bros Lokoing Bros in increasingly elaborate manners. One Four Local created a system of pulleys to gently drop a can into his roommates bed, while another froze a can into a giant ice sculpture at a millionaire’s birthday.
One brave Four Local delivering food and medical supplies dropped a crate of Four Loko onto an African village, thereby making the party an international affair. Hats off to this devil-may-care pilot!
This bro got Loko’d at a press conference, too! In front of his mom! Harsh.
We regret to already report one death resulting from a Lokoing gone wrong. If you think this is bad for the cause, it’s not because the deceased never had a drop of the tasty malt beverage. Instead, his friends hid a can in the microwave and the poor soul turned it on without looking inside. Instead of a party blowing up, HE blew up.
Hopefully these brave bros will get smart and Loko people who have never had the drink before. This would not only make the party grow in ways never before imagined, but it will introduce all of America to the splendor of Four Loko. Maybe the President will even get Loko’d by the Speaker of the House and change his tune on the ban.
Some people just assume that Four Loko is a new phenomenon because it only appeared on the shelves recently. This post will DEBUNK this mis-truth, most likely created by some Liberal Lie Factory™, by showing you some famous Four Loko moments throughout history.
Lets start at the beginning. Of history that is.
Dateline: One billion years BC: When God asked Abraham to sacrifice his Lemonade Four Loko on Mount Moriah as a test of his faith, the Angel of God stops him at the last minute. Good looking out for a cool bro with a sweet beard, Angel.
Dateline: The Revolutionary War like 300 and some years ago. Pictured here, George Washington doesn’t break a sweat while his less important crew members paddle him across the Deleware River. There, he finds the British’s secret stockpile of Loko floating there, ready for the taking. (Note, before the invention of refrigeration, it was common for soldiers to leave their malt liquor tall boys in cold rivers so they wouldn’t get warm and nasty.)
Washington stole the Lokos boosting American soldier morale and drunkeness by 1000%. The courage of alcohol combined with the lazer-sharp awareness of caffeine allowed America to win the Revolutionary War by three points in double overtime with only two seconds left on the clock.
Another guest-editorial from Four Loko advocate, Abraham Drinkin’ seen here in this recent press photo care of the Pinellas County correction facility:
While we’re all in agreement that the Federal Douchebag Ass-ociation has several unconstitutional, race-related motivations for FourLoko, the major one being argued by these pussies is that the caffeine is gonna mess with the health of all the underaged kids that are lucky enough to have older brothers and sisters or chill as hell parents. From what I understand, the people at Fort Loko are caving to the pressure and wanting to remove the caffeine, but will it be the same? FourLoko is a work of mass-produced, mass-consumed art. If you take the caffeine out, you may as well take the alcohol, taurine, and guarine. Then what do we have? Canned water, which is RACIST. If you have to ask me why, you’re racist too.
The fact is that drinking makes teenagers feel like adults, and prepares them for the harsh world of college, where either you bro down or fag up. Either way you gotta rock a FourLoko or get rocked. Statistically, towns with schools in which FourLoko has been removed have experienced a 40% decrease in slutty behavior, fighting, and shirtlessness. I know I like to take my shirt off, fight, and grab a slampiece EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, and the only fuel that gives me the confidence and lack-of-understanding-of-what-no-means is FOURLOKO.
Kids are gonna drink coffee, and kids are gonna drink booze, and Loko offers the best of both words in one convenient, cool-looking can. If you don’t keep caffeine in the can, all they’re gonna do is get high on beers and then drive their Honda Elements down to Starbucks — a company that funds Israeli terrorism by the way. A Loko in the morning gives you the stamina to stay awake during the day, but gets you super roasted, so you can be super cool and fit in. If you think everyone else in your freshman algebra class isn’t drunk, then you need to pound another Grape or Watermelon, bro. Plus coffee burns the tongue, which makes communicating with honeydips extra hard, you feel me?
Taking the caffeine out of FourLoko was probably those dudes’ compromise to avoid getting banned, but you know what they say: outlaw FourLoko, and only Outlaws will be getting blitz.
THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION can make us all have healthcare, but what good is insurance if you can’t make your liver go Loko?
Many thanks to the local Pinellas County Florida police department for allowing Abraham to publish his blog
We here at FreeLoko.com are excited to announce that the bigwigs of the Free Loko Movement are in talks with the biggerwigs of the Tea Party movement to unleash a new Free Loko Party to run in the public elections for the next several centuries or millenia (whichever comes first).
Though the partnership seems unlikely, our two organizations found some common ground. We at Free Loko needed the fervor and moxy of the Tea Party to increase our profile in the public sphere. Meanwhile, the Tea Party wanted to switch to a harder beverage for the upcoming 2012 election. Since Russia already has a Vodka Party, they were hard-pressed to find a replacement until they found us.
As a result of this partnership, The Free Loko Movement grows ever-closer to getting elected our first drunk-yet-energized president: Ted Hussein Four Loko. The scientists at Fort Loko are currently isolating the right genes to engineer the perfect candidate.
This goes beyond bringing back your favorite drink. We’re going to change the world. We believe that, once allowed free, the Four Loko party will make the two-party system obsolete in favor of something more utopian: The Party.
You’ll notice I left out the word “system.” That’s because by then we’ll have smashed it.
This is what fed up looks like
Our Mission Statement
In association with Dale Robertson of TeaParty.org, we have drafted our preliminary mission statement (to be edited in the morning once we’re sober):
The Four Loko Party is a grassroots movement that brings awareness to any challenges to the ability for bros and hipsters alike to get their drink on without duress or government intervention in our beloved nation, the United States of America™.
From our founding, the Four Loko Party has been the voice of the true owners of the United States, WE THE PEOPLE. All we ask is the FDA and state governments IGNORE BIASED HEALTH STUDIES that claim Four Loko is unsafe. It is not unsafe: it is UNunsafe.
Many claim to be the founders of this movement — however, it was the brave souls of the men and women on November 17th, 2010, known today as Lokonacht, who dared defy the greatest single military force in the universe — the US Food and Drug Administration — by refusing to put down their malt liquor in the face of FDA firebombs and Panzer tanks.
We are the beneficiaries of their courage and the heirs to their courageous throne of bravery on which we proudly sit and make our stand. By joining the Four Loko Party, you are taking a stand for our nation. You will be upholding the grand principles set forth in the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. Our right to party.
Despite the FDA’s banning of God’s own ambrosia, Four Loko, America’s artists are taking a stand against the tyranny of prohibition to become supporters of the cause, also known as Four Locals. Take, for example, Best Coast (I can’t tell if that’s her name or the band’s name — more research needed), proudly showing off her watermelon flavor can to the entire internet, INCLUDING PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.
KEEP HOPE ALIVE, MRS. BEST COAST. NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW.
(more research has been done: her band’s name is Best Coast, her name is Beth Coast)
The Daily Telegraph reports that: The president has refused to grant NASA funding for Mars, unless they build a special high speed presidential space ship for deep space excursions to the Moon for him and his wife.
If Obama wasn’t so worried about his own Moon trip, he would know that Four Loko doubles as a cheap jet fuel SIXTY NINE TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE than our current mixture.
BROS AND BABES IN SPACE. This could’ve been our future.
Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org and your message will be routed through our anonymous network of Bavarian servers and then delivered to us by hand via a group of supportive AFRICAN BLOOD DIAMOND MINERS in order to prevent interception by the Freemasons.